Thursday, February 9, 2017

10-31 FULL MOON

10-31 FULL MOON: ROXANNE
By Mike Colin
Paranormal Investigative Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications

I was resting up from a long weekend when I heard the doorbell ring. I opened the door and found an old man and a much younger woman standing on my front porch. The old man wasted no time introducing himself. “My name is Professor Van Helsing and this is my grand niece Mina.” The old man and his grand niece brushed past me into my house before I could say anything. “You are Mike Colin I presume,” said Professor Van Helsing in some sort of Scandinavian accent.

“Yeah, I am,” I said. I would have thrown them both out just because they were so pushy but, Mina had a great looking smile. Mina was slim, blond, blue eyed and in her early twenties. I was hoping she was some sort of mail order girlfriend I ordered on the Internet when I had too much beer last weekend. ”Can I help you and Mina with something? I asked. Mina looked at me and winked. She was beautiful. I was hopping I could think of a way we could ditch the old guy and go for a walk or something.

“Well, Mr. Colin,” Professor Van Helsing began, “if you could find the time to quit paying attention to my granddaughter I will tell you something that should interest you.”

“Sure,” I said, “but, I thought Mina was your grandniece not your granddaughter.”

“She is my grandniece I’m old and just misspoke myself. It has been a long journey from Cancun Mexico to Traverse City Michigan. “

I motioned them to follow me. “You’d better come in and have a seat in the living room. Can I get you a drink?”

“I’ll have rum and coke and Mina will have a glass of just scotch with no ice please.” The professor seemed to speak for Mina. I wanted to hear from Mina but, I thought that maybe she couldn't’t speak any English. Maybe she just spoke Viking or whatever those Scandinavians speak. Whatever language Mina could speak I know that if her voice was half as nice as she looked then, I would be in love.

After I served the drinks the professor drank his rum and coke down in one gulp like an old lush. Mina on the other hand, drank her scotch down in one drink with the elegance of a princess. It shows real class to consume $50.00 worth of imported scotch in just a couple of seconds. I realized right then that Mina was probably out of my league and a relationship with her might be out of the question. I still wanted to try. I thought everything was going well but, then the professor had to ruin it by talking.” No doubt you’ve read about the many mutilations of both animals and humans along the Boardman River that runs through this city.”

“Actually,” I responded while looking at Mina and smiling,” I’ve been busy going to parties and I don’t listen to the news or ever read newspapers. That’s what old guys do, right Mina?” I was desperately trying to get her to say something. She just smiled and looked down. I guess she was being what some might call coy. My brothers would say she was being a tease.

Van Helsing then said,” The mutilations are being perpetrated by a type of creature that you know all too well. I am of course referring to a vampire.”

I wondered how much the old man knew about my girlfriend Stephanie. Maybe he knew about Lenny, my old buddy from high school. Irregardless of what this Van Helsing guy knew, I knew that both Lenny and Stephanie were in Cancun and neither of them have been around here to mutilate anyone. I decided that I would deny knowing anything about vampires in case this old guy wanted to pin the mutilations on one of my friends. “What are you talking about?” I asked,” Vampires are just not real. They just don’t exist anywhere but, in the movies and in story books.”

Van Helsing sat his glass down on an end table and leaned forward in his chair. “I happen to know that the girl that gave you this house is a vampire named Stephanie. I also know that you have a friend named Lenny who has recently been turned into a vampire. I further know that your two friends had nothing to do with the recent murders and mutilations. I wish them no harm because I know that most vampires are usually quite passive. Most of the blood they consume is freely given to them by adoring groupies who hope one day a vampire would give them the gift of vampirism and the immortality and powers that such a gift entails.”

After hearing that VanHelsing was not after my friends, I decided to play along with Van Helsing just to see what he was up too. “So, if my friends are vampires and they have had nothing to do with the murders along the Boardman River then, why are you here to see me? I certainly don’t know any vampires that are living around here right now. I don’t see how I could possibly be of any help to you.”

“Like I said,” Van Helsing began,” most vampires are not really bad however, there is one vampire that is extremely evil. She is the queen and original vampire and she lives nearby. In modern times she goes by the name of Roxanne. She is an extreme monster without a conscience. She does not want to live and let live like most vampire monsters. Instead, she wants to exterminate all f humanity. “

“So how do you know so much about her?” I asked.

“I’ve been following Roxanne for a very long time. Van Helsing sat in silence for a few moments and then said “Ill tell you all about her but, you have to realize that she is evil. Roxanne was born a princess. She was the daughter of Hannibal, the great general that almost destroyed the Roman Empire. It seems that through satanic rituals centuries ago Roxanne came into existence. She was the original vampire and serves as their queen.

10-31 FULL MOON: HOW VAMPIRES ARE MADE
By Mike Colin
As I mentioned, Roxanne was the daughter of Hannibal. He was perhaps the greatest general of the ancient age. At one time he laid siege at the gates of Rome with his elephants. The only problem was that he did not have enough troops or supplies to stay in Italy so; he had to retreat back to Carthage in North Africa. There he later died defending his city from the Romans. He left behind a wife and a daughter. His wife was an African princess named Rachel. His daughter was named Roxanne. Once Hannibal died and the empire of Carthage was destroyed, Rachel fled with little Roxanne to Northern France, far away from the Roman Empire as it existed at that time. Roxanne was only about two years old and she became very ill during the trip. In fact she was dying of plague and there was nothing Rachel could do to save Roxanne except to try to keep her little daughter comfortable and watch her die.

Because Roxanne was all her mother had left in the world and Roxanne was all that there was left of the great General Hannibal, Rachel sought out a race of forest people who were said to be supernatural beings. Some people today call these beings druids. They are said to have a strange connection between the world of the real and the world of the unreal. These Druids were said to live both in the realm of the living and the dead. The Druids knew how all things were connected and Princess Rachel begged them to use their knowledge to save the life of little Roxanne

At first the Druids refused to help. They said that the destiny of Roxanne was clear and that she must die in order to preserve the eternal order of all things. Finally, Rachel told the Druids that Roxanne was the daughter of the great general Hannibal. The Romans were the mortal enemy of the Druids and Hannibal was a hero amongst these strange forest people. The Druids suddenly took a strong interest in Roxanne. They each begged to hold her and all of them fused over the infant.

The druids then brought the baby into the forest. They laid the baby down on the forest floor and performed some sort of ritual ceremony. Then, suddenly several dead leaves started to swirl up from the ground like a water spout. Then, the leaves turned into large black bats with long white fangs. The swirling bats poured down upon the child’s body and covered it in a black shroud. The bats were drinking every bit of poisoned blood from the Child’s tiny body. As each bat drank its fill of diseased blood it died and fell off the small child. The dead bats formed a black circle around Roxanne.

The forest became completely silent. A few moments after the last bat was dead, Roxanne became healthy again and the plague was gone. The child was fine except that her body was covered with dozens of bites from the bats. The druids explained to her mother that the bats had sucked the evil toxins from the child. They also told her that there would most likely be some sort of side effect from the cure. The druids said that the child was called into deaths cavern and was stolen away at the last moment. They explained that one day when Roxanne was grown she would pay a price for her unnatural salvation.”

I still don’t understand,” I said. “What do you want from me?”

Both Van Helsing and his grand niece Mina starred at me and Van Helsing said, “We want you to use your abilities and position to help us put an end to all the deaths caused by the queen of all vampires. We know where she lives but, we cannot get close to her. Vampires have unlimited psychic powers. They constantly read every mind around them for miles. Roxanne can literally smell the level of hatred that I and my Mina have for her. You on the other hand are already trusted by the vampires. You were the houseboy of one of Roxanne’s favorite girls. You have a vampire aura around you so that you can walk right through the psychic fields of the vampires and strike a death blow at the heart of the beast. : You can kill Roxanne, the queen of the vampires and free humanity from their reign of terror.”

I didn’t understand most of what Van Helsing was talking about but, Mina was just so damn cute. I couldn’t refuse her. I don’t know if it was just Mina’s beauty or if the Van helsings had some sort of psychic powers but, I agreed to do whatever they asked of me.

10-31 FULL MOON: MY ATTACK ON ROXANNE
By Mike Colin
It took me about an hour to get to Roxanne’s house. She lived several miles out in Leelanau County on the top of a huge hill. You could see nearly ten miles in every direction. On the East side of the hill you could see Grand Traverse Bay and on the West side you could see Lake Michigan. I remembered as I drove up near the mansion that there as a big ski resort not too far away.

I started to wonder why this vampire would travel so very far to find victims The place where the mutilated bodies were found was over 50 miles away. She was much closer to several small towns and Traverse City was only about 25 miles from her house. Did she want to keep that much of a distance between herself and her victims? It seems like
if Roxanne were a really powerful vampire she wouldn’t worry about mere mortal policemen catching up with her. I know vampires can just literally fly off to any place in the world whenever they wanted too. A powerful vampire did not have to worry about having an alibi or even allow themselves to be interviewed by any authorities. They can just disappear by flying off or changing their appearance at will.

I was becoming more and more confused about the whole scenario surrounding Roxanne and her choice of a place to find victims. I just could not see her being so afraid that she needed to be way out in the boondocks. Because, one thing I know about vampires is that they aren’t afraid of people. Vampires just do what they want to do when they want to do it. Because, in the end once people think a vampire is involved everyone just clams up and says nothing. Vampires are like the mob, everyone is afraid of them because if they come for you no one can save you from them. I learned that when they came and got my best friend Lenny. There was nothing I could do to save him. I was lucky they spared me from becoming a powerful immortal godlike creature.

I parked my Jag behind some trees and got out. In the distance down the road I saw the professor and Mina park their mini van. I opened the trunk on my car and pulled out a utility belt and buckled it on. I pulled out a sharp wooden stake and a hammer and placed the items in my utility belt. I also pulled out a hand saw to cut off Roxanne’s head after I drove the stake through her heart. Finally, I picked up a silver cross and put it around my neck. It was high noon so Roxanne should be dead to this world right now. Driving a stake through her heart and then cutting off her head should happen without a hitch but, I decided that having a silver cross around my neck could not hurt my operation. I was beginning to feel like a surgeon. Maybe if I would have stayed in school and graduated I might be doing real brain surgery right now.

After I had my tool belt on I turned and waved back at the professor and Mina. At that moment I wondered if I was doing all this to impress Mina rather than trying to stop the carnage down by the Boardman River. I guess it didn’t really matter. The sun was high and there was not a cloud in sight. Getting rid of this bad girl should be a cinch. I still wondered why the hair on my head seemed to be standing up and my heart was pounding.

I took one more look toward the mansion to make sure the coast was clear. Van Helsing told me that the mansion was very old. It had been built by some French monks before America even existed. The monks were buried down in the basement. I guess that’s where you put dead things; down in the basement that is. There was no one guarding the front so I quickly walked up to the door and found that it was unlocked. I opened the door and slowly crept in making sure to close the door behind me as quietly as possible.

Once inside I started looking around for a door which would lead down into the basement. Vampires could not stand daylight so I knew Roxanne had to be down in a dark basement in her box where she slept in the daytime. I finally found the door that led down into the basement.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I suddenly became aware that the basement was most likely as vast as any other level of the house. I flipped on the lights at the bottom of the stairs. I figured that Roxanne would be literally too “dead to the world” to notice that the lights in the basement were on. Besides, if she had any traps laid out in the basement I wanted a chance to see them. It seemed there had to be some traps somewhere since so far there was nothing stopping anyone from getting as far as I did. Heck, her front door was even unlocked. I wondered how a vampire had survived for two thousand years that was so very stupid. I figured she either had some nasty trap laid out for me or she figured her box was so well hidden no one would ever find it.

After flipping on the lights I could see that the basement was not that complex. I was at one end of the building looking all the way down toward the other end. The basement was lined down each side with several old stone caskets which I figured contained old dead monks. But, directly at the other end of the basement was a large ornate box. It was not a coffin because it was too squared off but, it had a lot of fancy carved flowers on top. On the side of the box it had a picture of some ancient city carved in the middle with some trees carved on each side of the city. I guessed the city must be Carthage where Roxanne came from originally.

I felt kind of funny all of a sudden. It was like I was wondering what to do. I walked up to the box and the hesitated. I was trying to imagine what had to be done. I was thinking that I needed to push off the top and look down into the box. There I would see the corpse of the queen vampire. Then, I would steady the wood stake I had over the chest of the vampire and then with the hammer I would drive the stake into her heart. I had seen enough vampire movies to know that Roxanne would no doubt wake up screaming as the steak went through her heart. I pictured that as the stake came out the other side in her back the screaming would stop and the dead vampire would be silent forever. Then, I would chop off her head and take it to my friend Mina and her miserable old uncle professor Van Helsing. Mina would grab me and kiss me hard on the lips as her hero.

After Mina proclaimed me her hero we would live together at my mansion hoping that my ex-girlfriend Stephanie, would never show up to exact revenge for my killing her friend but, more likely wanting revenge on me for not remaining faithful to her. I then decided I had better stop daydreaming or it would be dark out and I would not have to worry no more about my future once Roxanne was done with me. I then shoved the box top off and raised up my wood stake and hammer, ready to strike at the corpse inside when I suddenly realized, the wood box was empty.

Suddenly, I was really scared. I knew this was a trap and I was trapped. My life was over and I had so much that I might have done. Now I just had to wait for the end. I felt bashful. Here I was ready to drive a stake through the heart of someone I did not even know and then cut off her head and I felt awful that I was about to die. My body felt like I weighed 200 lbs. Then, from behind I heard a very gentle female voice say “Hello North Boy”.

I droped my tools but, grabed my silver cross and stretched it out into Roxanne's face. The vampire snatched the cross from my hand and starred at it for a moment. "Nice piece of silver jewelry," she said. "Too bad I'm hundreds of years older than your religion so your religious symbols can't scare me and your cross isint even silver. It's made from some cheap metal composites. Even if it were pure silver it can't harm a vampire. Just like your wooden steak silver can't harm a vampire. We don't like the smell of garlic but then again, who really does?"

10-31 FULL MOON: THE BIRTH OF THE WEREWOLF
By Mike Colin
Roxanne was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Her olive skin covered her lean, fit figure. Her face was perfect. Each side of her face was the exact mirror image of the other. Her eyes, nose and mouth were perfectly symmetrical. Roxanne had no marks or blemishes of any kind. Her eyes were brown which matched her long brown hair that had dark red highlights. She was just really nice to look at. It was like she was a piece or rare and beautiful artwork created by one of those Old Italian artists who prided themselves on being a perfectionist.

“ I'm sure you've heard of me North Boy. I am Roxanne, the original vampire. Some call me the vampire queen however, we vampires are too free spirited to have any formal social or political structure. To other vampires I am merely their older friend. The daughter of the greatest general that every live. My father was the Carthagean general named Hannibal. The same Hannibal who invaded Northern Italy and laid siege to the city of Rome. “

“The one with the elephants?” I asked.

“Yes. The elephants gave the Romans quite a scare. I sense that VanHelsing already told you about how the people called the druids saved me and cursed me at the sane time. After I was cured of the plague I had a wonderful childhood. Things were great until I became a woman. That’s when the curse of vampirism took control of my destiny. “

“So you turned into a vampire when you grew up. Were you about thirty when you changed? I asked.

“Thirty?” exclaimed Roxanne, “Do I really look that old. I was only twenty one when I turned. It was a sudden change. One day I woke up and went outside and the sun started to sear my face like a piece of meat. I turned back into the house and found the darkest place that I could and my mother covered my body with animal hides to keep out the sun. All that day the pain from the burn on my face was unending. I felt my face and it was covered with blisters. I could imagine how awful I must have looked.

Finally, night came and the sun went down. The burning not only stopped but, when I felt my face for blisters my skin had never felt so smooth. After I dug my way out from under al the animal hides I asked my mother how I looked. She responded that I had never looked so beautiful.

I was glad my face was not scared but, I knew in my heart that some kind of change had happened to me. I knew that what I and my mother had feared for years was coming to pass. The druids were right. The druids were always right. For having my life spared as a child I knew that I would pay a terrible price and I did pay a terrible price. For when I looked at my mother I did not feel love, or anger or anything human. Instead I saw her as a small animal. I saw her as a rabbit or chicken. I didn’t see her as the loving parent that saved my life as a child. I did not see her as the beautiful loving lady that kissed my bumps and bruises or sang me to sleep. Instead, I saw the blood pumping through her veins and heard the steady beating of her heart. I could smell her blood. I could taste her blood.

I rushed upon her and long fangs seemed to grow out of my upper jaw and they pierced her neck as she screamed and struggled against my will. For the first time ever she tried to push me away. She soon succumbed to my will and I drank her blood but, I did not drink for long. For something human was still left inside of me. I fought off the animal spirit that I had become. I pulled back from my mother and laid her gently on the ground. Her chest was moving slowly up and down so I knew she was still alive.

I turned away from her for a few moments. Now that I had nourished my hunger there was room in my thoughts for shame. I wondered what kind of monster I had become. I was slightly relieved that I had not killed my mother so I turned back to her to see if there was anything I could do to help her. I turned around just in time to see her fall upon the dagger her husband, my father, General Hannibal, had given her. I will never know if she died because of what I had done to her or because of what I had become."

After Roxanne had told me about her sad background, I decided it was time to find out what she had in store for me. I was hoping to get her to sympathize with me after all; she had just been recalling a really bad time in her life. Maybe she was vulnerable now. My brother Tim says to always wait for a woman to be telling something sad about themselves before you take advantage of them. Of course although, Tim is my older brother he has never had a steady girlfriend for more than a week. Most women just roll their eyes up in their head whenever his name is mentioned. At any rate I thought I had better find out where I stood with Roxanne. So, I asked her, “Now that you’ve told me about your past I guess that means you won’t be killing me or changing me into one of your kind”.

Roxanne gently tilted her head and looked straight into my eyes and said, “Well, I guess that all depends on you North Boy. I kind of like you. You’re cute, silly but, are you sincere?”

“What do you mean sincere?” I asked with my voice quivering. I had a hunch she had some problem with me and she killed her loving mother for a snack. What would she do to me? I came here to drive a steak through her heart and cut off her head.

“The problem I have with you North Boy is that you keep some really nasty company.”

“You mean my girlfriend Stephanie?” I asked.

Roxanne stepped toward me and backed me up against the wall. She placed her hand up around my neck before she spoke. “Stephanie is an old companion of mine. We used to stay together in Montreal back in the 18th century. Stephanie is a real sweetheart. I just visited her a few weeks ago down in Cancun. The only reason I haven’t ripped your throat out is because she has a tender spot for you. I also met your other vampire friends including your old friend Lenny. North Boy, the problem I have with you is your alliance with Professor Van Helsing and his woman. “

“You mean his niece is his girlfriend? What a weirdo!” I exclaimed.

“She’s not his niece. Van Helsing took the form of an old man to fool a young fool like you. Van Helsing and his mistress are both werewolves. They are behind the mutilations down by the Boardman River. They set you up to die for them. They knew you could never succeed. They just wanted to make sure that I was home because they want me to give them something.”

“What do they want?” I asked. “Do they want to live forever like vampires or do they want the strength of a vampire?”

“Werewolves are immortal. Vampires have the strength of five men and werewolves have the same strength as a vampire except, a werewolf is ten times stronger than a vampire when the moon is full.”

‘”So what do they want?” I asked again.

“Your friends want to have all the powers of both werewolves and vampires. You see vampires have the weakness of not being able to withstand the rays of the sun. However, over time when a vampire gets really old then, they can withstand several hours of sunlight provided they are wearing a great deal of sunscreen and protective clothing. It still hurts a lot, trust me. We also have to drink the equivalent of the total blood of a human body each month. If we do not then we will weaken and die. We can drink animal blood to make us feel full but, only pure human blood will regenerate our bodies.

Werewolves have only equal strength with vampires in most confrontations. However, under a full moon werewolves have the strength advantage. The difference between werewolves and vampires are two fold. Vampires have great psychic powers. Vampires can easily manipulate the minds of most humans. Werewolves have no psychic powers. In fact, they have great difficulty controlling themselves particularly under a full moon. They have the minds of animals when then change into werewolves. They can change into a werewolf at will but again, only under the full moon are they stronger than a vampire and even then, the animal mind will takeover the logical so, instead of attacking a powerful vampire enemy the werewolf might attack some homeless lush instead.”

“I’m confused,” I said. “”How did Van Helsing and his woman become werewolves in the first place and how can you help them get control over their animal minds?”

Roxanne gave a sigh. I don’t think she was so used to answering questions. “I can change them into a vampire by just biting them on the neck and draining their blood until their heart stops. Once they become vampires they believe it will allow them to live as humans during the day and become werewolves at night with all the powers of both the werewolf and vampire species. I’m not sure it will work but, they do. I am positive that I do not want them to have both the strength of werewolves and the powers of a vampire. That would make them very dangerous to us plain old vampires.

In regards to how VanHelsing became a vampire well, that was my handy work. Around four hundred years ago I was living in the Bavarian countryside. One evening I walked out into the courtyard of my house when a strange young man suddenly attacked me. I instantly transformed myself into a wolf and glared my teeth at him. He then said to me that he wanted to become a vampire and have immortality. On a whim I decided to oblige the fool so I ripped out his throat and drank his blood. I knew he had been drinking heavily since I could taste the beer. Soon the young man was dead and in keeping with the nature of the creature I had become I leaned back my head and howled at a very bright full moon.

I had one of my houseboys take the dead body into the woods and burry it in a shallow grave. Within a few days there were several reports of mutilated villagers being found in the area. There were parties of men searching everywhere for a “wolfman”. I decided that it might be best if I moved down to my home in Capri Italy. I didn’t want any confrontations with the locals and besides, it was fall in Bavaria and it was getting a bit cold.

A few decades passed and the “wolfman” had been renamed “werewolf” and tales of his murders spread across Europe and beyond. In fact, it seemed that several more werewolves had been created by the first one. Several attacks would occur during the same evening except they would be hundreds of miles apart. “

“I still don’t understand,” I said. “Why didn’t Van Helsing become a vampire? Was it because you were a wolf when you bit him?”

“That is part of it,” Roxanne explained. “Years after Van Helsing was changed I figured out that his condition was caused because not only was I a wolf when I killed Vanhelsing but, the moon was full and it was also a sacred night to the Druids known as “All Hallows Eve,”, or Halloween. The power of the full moon and “All Hallows Eve,” caused the process of becoming a vampire to be perverted into a process which produced a werewolf. A werewolf in not like a vampire since, werewolves can live as humans during the daytime. Vampires have the ability to control the minds of the simple minded which, means most humans can easily be controled by our thoughts. There is of course one very great difference between vampires and werewolves.

Vampires are thinking creatures however; werewolves were so unthinking in their mutilations that their ruthless reputation started to rub off onto vampires. Van Helsing spread all kinds of nasty rumors about vampires and me in particular. He hated me for making him into a werewolf instead of a vampire. He was immortal but, when he became a powerful creature he had little control over the beastly rages of a wolf. I decided that I would make sure that I would never again create another werewolf so I and all vampires must reframe from draining humans of their blood on every Halloween that is lit by a full moon. I and all other vampires have 10-31 Full Moon litterally tatooed on our left shoulder and figuratively carved into our hearts to remind us always of the day upon which we must fast. 10-31 Full Moon is a night of abstaining from our eternal quest for blood."

10-31 FULL MOON: THE WEREWOLF TRAP
“So what happens next?” I asked.

”You’re going to help me North Boy. You are going to draw the werewolves down here into my trap. They already assume you are dead and are on their way down her to get me to give them the powers these evil monster desires. Will you help me trap them or should I kill you right now?”

“I would prefer to help you, “I said. “I will do your bidding since you are a friend of my friend Stephanie.”

Roxanne smiled and said, “VanHelsing and his girl are entering the house above right now. I want you to go upstairs and lead them into a room on the second floor that has a bat carving on the front of the door. The room number is 199. Lead them into that room and await my instructions.”

I went up the stairs from the basement and encountered Mina and a very young looking man at the top. I knew the guy was VanHelsing but, I had to act surprised. “Who is this,” I asked,” Where is your uncle Van Helsing?” I already realized that te young man with Mina was Vanhelsing.

Mina responded by saying that “my uncle is very old and sick man. This is my brother Heink. He is trustworthy and a very able vampire slayer. I endorse Heink as a vampire slayer as much as I love you. And, I do love you Mike Colin. You are my personal vampire slayer and hero. Just take us to the vampire monster. We will handle her from here. I trust you were somehow unable to withstand her powers. You were unable to cut off her head.”

“Once I got near her I could do nothing,” I responded.

The young Van Helsing said that,” Roxanne is a very powerful vampire. She got into your head no doubt and that is why you want us to go downstairs when in actuality, the vampire queen is on an upper floor.

I decided it was time to get this puppy over. Either Van Helsing won or Roxanne would win. "Your right," I said. She is upstairs. Then suddenly Mina and her brother/uncle/boyfriend changed into werewolves. I knew I had to get moving fast or be tore apart. I remembered that once a person changes into a wolf they loose self control so, I figured I would be tore apart if I failed. I jumped up and down several times and got the attention of the werewolves and then, I ran upstairs with the furious monsters right behind. I ran into room 199 and hid behind the door. Once the werewolves were inside I slammed the door shut and waited for the werewolves to tear my body into pieces.

The werewolves snarled their teeth at me like I was their next lunch. Then unexpecdily, the werewolves just laid down and seemed to go to sleep. Each of the monsters breathed very heavily. Then, Roxanne put her arm around me and said that I had done well. She also said that she would take care of the monsters like they were her pets. It seems that the room I had led the werewolves into was completely lined with silver and although silver has no effect upon vampires, silver completely absorbs the power of a werewolf.

Roxanne said that she had a silver mine in Peru where the Werwolves would be free at least as much creatures could be. Roxanne ended up throwing a big party at her mansion with lots of influential celebrities from all over the planet showing up. I was just too tired to party so, I just went home and went to bed.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

THE BLEEDS: A VAMPIRE STORY

THE BLEEDS
On human blood the vampire feeds,
Fulfilling his abnormal needs,
Souls transformed into vampire seeds,
They prowl the night and spread the bleeds.

By Mike Colin
Reportor,
Human News Nuts

Last week I went down state to Mt. Pleasant Michigan, home of Central Michigan University. I went down after my old buddy Lenny (The Bleeder) Devine called me up and insisted he needed my help to solve some big problem he had regarding his girlfriend. He made me promise to drive down to Mt. Pleasant as soon as I could and meet him at Burger King. We used to call him “The Bleeder” because he used to get nose bleeds all the time. I figured his fingernails were too long and scratched up the inside of his nasal cavity. He of course denied his finger ever went into his nose.

I met Lenny at the Burger King which was just off the I-75 overpass in Mt. Pleasant. We each had a coffee and talked about the great year the CMU Chips football team was having. The Chips ended up taking the national championship in the MAC division.

After some football small talk, I asked Lenny why he wanted me to drop everything and drive down to Mt. Pleasant. I wondered if there was some big blowout party he wanted me to come down to. Lenny informed me that he had stopped socializing with anyone at the college. He even stopped going to class. I told him that he was stupid and he was going to flunk out of school and end up a bum like me. Lenny insisted that he had a much bigger problem than his social life or in even getting his degree.

“You see Mike,” Lenny was nearly crying as he spoke, “I’m turning into a vampire and I need you to help me destroy myself before it is too late.”

I immediately thought that Lenny had just come from happy hour at The Green Spot. “That’s hard for me to believe,” I said. “What proof do you have that you’re turning into a vampire?”

“You don’t believe me,” he sobbed. “I’ll show you at my place.” Lenny got up from the table and we both went outside to our cars.

Lenny got into his car and I followed him to his house. Lenny’s dad owned a car dealership and was really rich. Lenny appreciated nice cars and was driving a new Aston Martin just like James Bond. I was a bit disappointed that Lenny didn’t notice that I was driving a Jag. Of course it was a Jag my girlfriend gave me before she flew off to Cancun with a bunch of guys.

Lenny had a large ranch house and we walked right into it. He hadn’t even locked the door when he left and that was a bad idea in that town. If you leave your door unlocked in a college town then when you get back there might be a bunch of people you don’t know partying inside. Lenny’s house seemed empty of people except, someone seemed to be moaning in one of the bedrooms down the hall. I started toward the room with Lenny behind me. Lenny didn’t try to stop me as I opened up the door to the room where the moans were coming from. The room had almost no light inside with the only window in the room entirely covered with black, heavy tarps. Lenny entered the room behind me and immediately shut the door. The only light in the room was a night light on the wall. I reached for the light switch but it was completely covered with duct tape so it could not be switched on.

On a bed was Lenny’s old girlfriend Sandra. Her hair had turned completely grey. She was white as a sheet and she tossed and turned constantly. She was squeezing her eyes tightly closed as though she was avoiding someone shinning a flashlight directly into her face. Sandra seemed to be struggling to get up but, it was as though there were some invisible shield that was holding her down on the bed.

“What the heck is wrong with Sandra?” I asked. “Is she having some kind of fit?’

“It’s still daylight outside and she can’t get up,” Lenny explained. “Even in here she can feel the heat of the sun. We’ve got to do something. In a few minutes it will be dark and she has already changed. Soon she will rise up off the bed and be an unstoppable feeding machine. But, I can’t destroy. I made her into this monster. I made her a vampire. My own bloodlust got the better of me a few days ago and I bit her on the neck and drank her blood until her heart had no more blood to pump and she died. Lenny had tears coming from his eyes and he started stomping on the floor. “Lenny was starting to become really emotional. He was flinching and squeezing his fists like he was having some kind of emotional breakdown.

I asked him “how in the world is she a vampire and yet you are not? You’re not telling me something Lenny. In fact I don’t believe she is a vampire. I think this is just a hoax you and Sandra are pulling on me.” I then reached over to the black tarps covering the window and tore them down with one big jerk. I looked out the window as the setting sun came pouring into the room. Sandra screamed and I looked back at her only to see a plume of smoke rising from the bed and an outline of ashes where Sandra had laid.

Lenny just stood there looking at where his girlfriend had been laying. He didn’t seem upset that Sandra was gone. He stood still with no emotion showing on his face. He actually seemed a little bit at peace. “Well,” he said,” I’m glad we got this over with. I couldn’t destroy her myself but, if you hadn’t she would be at our jugulars right about now and we’d both be members of the living dead club.”

“I still don’t get it Lenny,” I said, “how is it that Sandra was made into a vampire by a non vampire like yourself? You’re clearly not a vampire or else you would have blown up in the sunlight too.”

Lenny looked at me and said in the calmest voice he had used since I met him in the Burger King “Let’s go out in the living room, fix a stiff drink and sit down. Nothing I tell you is going to change what’s happened. I’ve got to end up like poor Sandra or else I’ll be cursed to be a bloodsucking monster. Since you’re going to eventually do me in I think you need to know the whole story from the beginning.”

Lenny and I went out into his living room. There was a wet bar there and Lenny poured a half a glass of bourbon for each of us. We both sat down and Lenny took a long, hard drink of whiskey. I took a sip of mine. I didn’t want to get too drunk yet until I had found out what was going on. It was dark outside. I expected that any moment some bloodsucker would come running through the house and rip open my neck with a pair of fangs. I guess I’ve just seen too many vampire movies.

Lenny looked at his empty glass of whisky then; he looked me right in the eye and began his story. “Sandra and I had been all the way downtown that night. It was a Friday night so all the bars were pretty wild and we had hit most of them. Maybe we hit all of them. I was pretty well out of it and so was she. We got onto the old railroad tracks and were walking back to the Towers. That’s the dorm complex where Sandra is a RA or, resident assistant this year. She was so happy to get that job. She interviewed for two years until they finally gave it to her.

Well, we walked along about two miles and finally got to the north end of campus. The Towers were still a ways off at the south end. We didn’t care since we were each trying to show off by balancing on one of the rails of the track. We each laughed as neither of us could walk more than a couple of steps without falling off. It was a good thing a train never came along because we were laughing so loud we never would have heard it.

Sandra was a few steps ahead of me when she stared up at the sky behind me and said ‘Lenny, look up there. See it. It looks like a bunch of giant bat people flying in a “V” shape, like a flock of ducks.’

I laughed and turned around thinking she was just pulling my chair but, as I turned around a giant bat fell on top of me and knocked me to the ground. I didn’t feel much except like a pin prick in my neck. I do remember the awful smelly breath of the thing. That’s all I remember because I passed out.”

The next day I woke up about noon. I was in my bed here at the house. The first person I saw was Sandra. When she saw I was awake she ‘How are you feeling Lenny?’

‘I feel o.k.’ I responded. ‘I’m not quite sure what happened?”

‘It was awful Lenny,’ Sandra sat down on my bed and picked up my hand and laid it between her own soft hands. ‘I thought that thing was going to kill you. I ran back to the towers and came back with help but the bat creature was gone. You were laying on the tracks and you wouldn’t stop bleeding the blood just kept oozing out of you neck. I wanted to call the paramedics but he guys who were with me were afraid the cops might want to launch an investigation and do blood tests on you to see what was in your system. I couldn’t remember what all we did last night and you were still breathing so we decided to bring you back here. “

‘Thanks for looking out for me Sandra,’ I said. “I can always count on you to do the right thing. I’m feeling really tired now. I think I’ll just sleep some more.’ I remember rolling over on my side falling into a dream state right away. It was a horrible dream and I saw blood spurting all over my room. I could taste the metal flavor that blood has. It was sickening at first but, then I started to like the flavor. I liked the warmth of the fresh blood. It was like mothers milk to me. I never wanted to dream to end. I wanted to stay there in my ecstasy forever.”

“But it did end,” I interrupted Lenny because the guy was going on and on too much and I didn’t think he’d ever get to the point. “What happened when you woke up?” I asked.

“Oh I woke up alright.” Lenny answered,” I woke up to find all the blood spraying and tasting wasn’t really a dream. On the floor beside my bed was the lifeless, blood drained body of my best friend in the whole world. Sandra was laying there white as a sheet, just like she was when you saw her. Only, she wasn’t moving. She wasn’t moving at all. She was dead. She was white and, cold and, dead.”

I figured I must have become a vampire and I had to be destroyed. So, I sat in front of the window with the sunlight blazing on me and the only thing that happened was that I became a little bit tanner. I then started thinking that because I had lost so much blood maybe some of the vampire virus was lost out of me. I had assumed it was a virus based on my class in human anatomy. I’m a natural bleeder so when I bleed I bleed a lot. I decided that I needed to bleed some more in order to stop from becoming a full fledged vampire. I read in the University paper that there was a blood drive going on at the university center so I went over there to be drained. Afterwards, I felt great, that is I felt more like a normal human being. Since then I’ve been going to every blood bank I can find and getting as much diseased blood drained away as I can.”

I shook my head and looked at Lenny and said “So you’ve invented a way of not becoming a vampire even if you’ve been bitten. You just bleed yourself to get rid of enough infected blood so that you don’t change. I guess you’d call the disease and the procedure ‘the bleeds’. You know there is a problem with your going around and having your vampire blood drained away at blood banks. You see your blood could be infecting hundreds of other people. By infecting the blood banks, you could be creating an army of vampires. Who knows? There could be dozens of vampires running around outside right now.”

Lenny looked me strait in the eye and said “I never wanted to hurt anybody. I never wanted to attack Sandra and make her one of the undead. She was a beautiful girl”
Lenny started to cry. Guys like Lenny don’t usually cry unless they’ve had way too much to drink. Lenny was in a really bad way. He killed his own girlfriend, turned lots of innocent people into vampires to save his own backside and was now probably realizing that this was not going to end well for him.

I decided that I had to say something. I had to come up with a plan or else just sit there while Lenny bawled and wait for the guy to turn into a vampire and open up my jugular vein like it was a can of beer. I said to Lenny “Hey Lenny, I have a plan. I’m going to go over to the hardware store and get the strongest chains I can find and bring them back here along with some heavy duty locks. I’ll then chain you up in front of your porch sliding door that faces east so that if you do turn, and I mean only if you do turn by tomorrow morning, we’ll be ready so that you won’t have to remain one of the living dead forever. There should be enough light coming through the glass in the door to vaporize you quickly so you won’t suffer.”

Lenny stopped crying and looked at me with an air of bewilderment and said, “You mean you’re going to kill me. Why couldn’t I just keep bleeding myself? I suppose I wouldn’t have to go to a blood bank to get bleed out enough to stop from becoming a full fledged vampire. What if you stayed here and helped me bleed out a little each day. You know, just enough to keep me human.”

I sighed and said “You know that is a bad idea. Sooner or later something will go wrong and you’ll become a vampire anyway. We won’t drain enough blood or the procedure might just stop working after a while. Besides, once people find out that your blood could make them immortal a lot of rich people will be coming here, trying to get infected and when they do they will just create more vampires. You have to be destroyed just like Sandra had to be destroyed. You know that there is no other way.”

Then Lenny sighed and said, “I guess you’re right. Who wouldn’t want to live forever even if it means only coming out at night and having to drink blood. Hurry back from the hardware store Mike. It’s going to be dark soon and I don’t want to change into one of those things. I’d probably end up killing you and you’re the best friend I have.”

“I’ll be back,” I said trying to mimic the Terminator. Lenny smiled at my impersonation. That was good to see. That was the first time he smiled since I met him at the Burger King.

It took me two hours to get the chain and locks. My gas tank was on empty so I had to get gas or else risk running out before I could get the chains back to Lenny’s. After I got gas I didn’t have enough money to buy the chains and locks at the hardware store. I don’t have a credit card so I had to hunt down an ATM machine. I had a hard time finding an ATM machine that did not charge me a huge fee for using it. Once I got the chains and some really tough paddle locks, I went through the drive through at Burger King and then I headed strait back to Lenny’s house. Unfortunately it was past sundown. I just hoped Lenny hadn’t changed into a vampire yet.

When I turned the corner and could see Lennys place I noticed three big beautiful road hogs parked in the driveway. I parked at the curb so the road hog warriors could pull out and leave. I left my chains and locks in the car. I did not want to let Lenny’s company become suspicious when I dragged in the heavy chains from the trunk of my car. I was wondering how I would convince the bikers to leave when I got to the door. I was about ready to ring the doorbell when the door was flung open by Lenny and he motioned me into the house.

We went into the living room and there I confronted the bikers. They were three of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. One was a blond, one was a brunette and the other was a red head. I thought to myself poor Lenny. He has these three gorgeous girls over and he has to send them away so I can chain him up incase he becomes a vampire. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to introduce myself before we kicked them out. I figured that after Lenny was turned into a pile of pot ash the girls and I could console each other over the loss of our mutual friend.

I began with the line I always use when I meet new girls, “hello, my name is Mike. Who are you beautiful ladies?”

The blond woman spoke first saying,” My name is Josephine and these are my two best friends, Miranda and Mary and we already know all about you Mike Colin. You have some heavy chains and paddle locks in your car to chain down your best friend Lenny so he can be burnt to a cinder when the sun comes up tomorrow. You’re not very nice for a best friend now are you?” The girls started toward me like they were closing in on a rack of lamb.

“You girls are vampires,” I exclaimed. I had a feeling of real dread come over me. My heart felt like it had fallen into my shoes and I wanted to back out of the room and run away but I found myself just backing up into a wall. I had no escape. “Lenny,” I shouted, “can you help me please. I only wanted to help. You asked for my help. Don’t tell me you’ve already changed?”

“I’m afraid I have changed into a vampire Mike,” Lenny answered. “These girls are over two hundred years old and could somehow tell where I was and when I had changed. They just showed up on their road hogs. They asked me to go to Cancun with them for the winter. I’m going to Cancun to party with others of my kind. I’ve decided to live forever as a vampire. Giving up sunlight for immortality seems like a no brainer to me. What about you Mike? Do you want to become one of us?

The brunette said,”I think Mike is kind of cute. I’ll let you ride with me all the way down to Mexico sweetie. My hog is big enough for both of us. There are a lot of nice places to stay at on the way south. A lot of hotels have vampire sweets set up for us just to get our business. They have nice mahogany coffins for us to stay in during the daylight hours. They even have the coffins lined with dirt from a graveyard to make our sleep all the more peaceful.” I then noticed that the brunette had already been drinking that evening. A little drip of blood ran down from the corner of her lips. The thought of having to drink blood all the time to survive made it easy for me to decide not to want to become a vampire.

“I don’t want to become a vampire,” I said. “I want to live out my life as a normal human and enjoy the days as well as the nights. Just let me be and I’ll just go home and not say anything about you to anyone.”

The brunette leaned into my face. She was so close I could smell blood on her breath. “You’d better keep quiet about us North boy. If anybody finds out that we even exist then I’m coming up to Traverse City to get you. You understand me, North boy?”

“Yes I do” I replied, “I might write about you on a blog but nobody ever reads those things. Your secret is safe with me. No one will ever know that you guys even exist.”

“Let’s go girls,” Lenny said as he turned and walked outside to the bikes with the girls following behind him. Lenny got on the bike with the blond and tore off out of the place with the brunette and red head following close behind.

Because of the blood donations Lenny made, there could be hundreds of vampires running around Mt. Pleasant. I was not going to wait around that town until I ran into one so I got into my car and drove right back home.

I feel kind of like I wasted my time going down to Mt. pleasant to help Lenny out. I did burn his girlfriend up with sunlight but, I did not stop Lenny from becoming a vampire. I did learn that many vampires head down to Cancun in the winter time. They must go down there to wait for all that fresh young blood that heads down there for spring break. Spring break in Cancun must be a regular smorgasbord of blood; so I can’t imagine Lenny choosing to go down there and suck down all that gory red stuff. He was always so squeamish. Lenny never wanted to eat the worm at the bottom of a bottle of tequila.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

MY GIRLFRIEND STEPHANIE IS A VAMPIRE

INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
STEPHANIE
By Mike Colin
Associate Humor News Nuts Publications

In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.

Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee (vampire victim). It seems my girlfriend Stephanie is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running
down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool.

I met Stephanie at a really exclusive club. I was living under a bridge at the time (living under bridges is called trolling in Northern Michigan). Since I was just a local troll, I was never allowed in the exclusive night club called “Jack’s Bloody Brew”. Jack’s is one of those new brew pubs that are all over Northern Michigan. Jack’s is famous for beers like Blood Light and Bloody Barry Beer. This beer is not sold in stores so, you can only buy this beer at the club. I drank one once and it really tastes just like blood with a kick to it like backyard whiskey. I had a really bad hangover the next day.


As I said before, I was never allowed anywhere near this club. A big muscled bald guy stood at the door and if I even walked by the place he would snarl at me. This guy had teeth that looked like fangs so I was quick to get the heck away from there. One night about midnight I happened to be walking by on the opposite side of the street when I saw this beautiful brunet go up to the bald muscle dude and give him the biggest hickey on the neck. It was such an intense hickey that when the gorgeous girl came up for air, I saw blood dripping down the big dude’s neck. I thought that must of hurt but, the bald guy seemed to like it. It put him in a really great mood and he opened the door to the club and hand gestured for me to cross the street. I almost ran across traffic to get inside the bar. The bald guy kept the door held open until I was inside then, he quickly shut it up so no one could drift in behind me.

The only light in the bar came from a few dim candles. I guessed that these people really like to drink in the dark. Maybe the place wasn’t very clean and they didn’t want any bright lights to show up the dirt. The room was draped in black drapes with red pictures on them. I guess these drapes with pictures are called tapestries. The pictures were all of dragons, bats, wolves and, other monsters. It seemed kind of weird but, the weirdest thing about this club was that there were no foosball games or pool tables. The place didn’t even have a dart board. There was a bar so, I decided to try one of their famous home brewed beer (if I could afford it).

I saw the girl that had given the bouncer a hickey at the bar so I sat down on the bar stool next to her. The bartender must have been an identical twin of the brawny bald bouncer out front. Like his brother, the bartender snarled at me with his fangs and said “we serve only club members here”.

Then, suddenly the girl next to me leaned across the bar and gave the bartender an intense hickey like she had done to the guy outside. When the girl came up for air the bartender was bleeding streams of blood from a neck wound. This was like the bleeding the bouncer did outside after his hickey and like the bouncer, the bartender suddenly was really nice to me. “What can I get you?” he asked.

“I don’t have much money. How much is a beer?” I asked.

“The beer is free to club members,” the bartender informed me “and you are now a club member. Stephanie here has told me she has sponsored you. As to the type of beer I would recommend to a new club member, I think you should have pint of Bloody Barry Beer. I just got some from Barry this morning. I took almost every drop he had so, you had better drink it now because it will be a while before Barry can make some more.”

I ended up trying both beers and they both tasted like blood. The bartender informed me that the beer’s secret ingredient was cow’s blood. I started to push the beer away from me. Then, the bartender reassured me that the drinking blood laden beer was no different than eating a rare steak. I liked rare steak so then and there, I decided Bloody Barry Beer was my favorite beverage but, I just hope Barry the brew master could make some more soon.

The beer had quite a kick to it and this made me able to talk to girls. I turned to Stephanie and introduced myself. When she asked me where I lived I told her I was broke and that I had to live under a bridge. Stephanie told me that if I came back to her house with her she would have a proposition for me. I thought I had nothing to loose so I got into her black Jaguar and went home with her.

It was a really nice new home with an upstairs, a downstairs and, a full basement. It was full of really nice black leather furniture and the walls were all painted blood red. There was a fireplace in every room except the kitchen and laundry room. There were paintings on the walls of the living room of really grotesque looking people. When the large stone fireplace in the living room was lit, the room looked both eerie and beautiful. I liked it.

I guessed Goth people were really cool. When I was in high school I thought Goth kids were just a bunch of outcast nerds. My brother Tim always said Goths were “nerd rejects”. If Stephanie is a “nerd reject” then sign me up for Goth school. Not only is she gorgeous but, she has done really well for herself to have a fine home like this. No one in family lives even near this kind of house. Everyone I know just thinks about winning enough money at the casino to make a deposit on a double wide. Madam Misty is the only friend I have that had a big house and, she lost it due to lack of business during this recession.

Stephanie has a nice house and the neighborhood is full of fine looking cribs (I learned from MTV that “cribs” is the cool way to say house”. Usually people in these homes call people like me “skuzz”. I was surprised the police didn’t show up when I got out of her black Jaguar. Back when my dad worked for Roto Rueter, he was arrested for littering and indecent exposure when he drove into one of these kinds of neighborhoods. The muffler fell off his pickup is the reason he was arrested for littering. When he asked why he was being hauled off to jail for indecent exposure he was told that “you showed your skuzzy face off in this neighborhood and nobody here wants to look at it.”

Once Stephanie was finished showing me around her house she told me that she had been watching me live under the bridge. I don’t remember seeing Stephanie anywhere’s near the bridge. There were mostly old men and bats living with me under the bridge. Stephanie also said that she was thinking about putting me out of my misery when she started feeling sorry for me.

Stephanie then said to me, “Here’s the deal. In return for my becoming your girlfriend you will move in here and live in his house. Because of my religious beliefs, you will live in the top two levels of the house and I will live in the basement. You must never enter the basement for any reason and you must make sure that no one else ever goes down into the basement. A girl like me needs her privacy. ’

I of course agreed to all her terms. Stephanie was great. In addition to letting me stay in her house, she let me drive her Jag. There was a problem. I could not help but want to go down into the basement just to sneak a peak at the crib my girlfriend lived in. I felt kind of funny taking over the house from her and her moving down into the basement. There were several bedrooms in the house and I did not see why she could not just stay in one of them.

One day, I decided I would have a look down in the basement. Stephanie was a night person so she stayed down in the basement sleeping during the day. She kept the door locked during the day but, left it unlocked when she went out at night. So, I waited until Stephanie left and then I crept down into the basement. At the bottom of the basement stairs I turned on the light. It was a huge basement but, the only thing in it was a black casket. I went over to the casket and looked inside. Except for a few inches of dirt, the casket was empty. I figured Stephanie must sleep in the casket in the daytime since there was not other furniture in the basement. I thought my new girlfriend is really into some sort of extreme yoga if she is living and sleeping like this. I thought then that maybe the Goth lifestyle isn’t for me?

Things were going o.k. for a while then; my friend Madam Misty told me I had better watch out because my girlfriend was a vampire. I thought at first that Madam Misty had been mixing her apricot brandy with her Mogen David wine again. But, Madam Misty was very insistent so, I had to confront Stephanie and find out what was going on. Madam Misty told me I had better confront Stephanie in public or she might just give me a bad case of the bleeds.

I decided to confront my girlfriend at the club where we met. At least the bar tender would be there should Stephanie turn out to be a vampire. He would certainly keep me away from harm. A big guy like that and his bouncer twin brother should easily be able to take on a female vamp.

The bouncer at the club entrance was gone. I easily opened the door and walked into the bar. Stephanie was sitting at her normal stool at the bar. The bartender looked up at me and said “I just got in a fresh batch of Bloody Barry Beer. Would you like a bottle?”

“Yeah, I’ll take one”, I said as I bellied up to the bar beside my girlfriend. “I see your twin from out front isn’t here tonight” I said to the bartender.

“No,” the bartender replied, “He’s gone south for the winter and I intend on heading down there tonight myself,”

“I guess you should know Mike,” Stephanie began,” I’m heading to warmer climates myself. I’m going to Cancun for the winter and I don’t know when or, if I’ll be back here any time soon. I have to move on.”

I took a big chug down on my beer. I needed the drink to keep my from falling out of my seat. I was devastated. My relationship with this beautiful woman was over. I couldn't’t bring myself to say anything. The shock of loosing Stephanie put me into a deep stupor.

“Because of your loyalty I’m giving you the house and the car,” Stephanie said. “There is some cash beneath the box in the basement. Yes, I know you were down there this evening. I also know you psychic friend told you that I am a vampire and yes it is true. I’m over three hundred years old. I’m a blood sucker but, you know I still am at least part human. I haven’t done so bad by you have I?” she asked.

I shook my head and said “No, you’ve been really good to me. I’ll miss you.” I had a tear in my eye. I don’t remember the last time I had a tear from being sad. But, I was really sad.

Stephanie took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Stephanie kissed me gently on the neck (no hickey). Then, Stephanie said “got to fly”, as she turned away from me with wings sprouting from her back as her blouse ripped to shreds. Stephanie then leaped into flight with here wings flapping. She rose up to meet several other vampires who were flying in a V formation like they were a flock of geese. Stephanie soon fell into formation and vanished with the other vampires beyond the horizon.

Stephanie left me several thousand dollars for taxes and upkeep on the house. A deed and car title arrived in the mail a few days later. I was all set. It was like I was one of those young guys in Florida who stay with an older lady for a home. The only thing is, if Stephanie returns here in thirty years, I’ll be an old man and she’ll still be young. I hope she comes back one day. Until then, I’ll keep her nice home and car in good shape. The club was closed and no one has opened up anything new at that location. It’s like the club never existed at all.